Time is flying....Eek

Looking at calendars is starting to stress me out a little bit (a lot)! I know I have a long time to go, after all we are only just entering our 23rd week...however, when you look at how many weeks are left (I haven't counted, I would likely cry) and factor in what needs to get done, it's daunting. It's not the home stuff that's stressful, it's work. I want to do the very best for the families I serve and get them as far in the adoption process as I can before I am off. It makes me so sad that I won't be able to attend some of their adoption hearings... I know I will be cuddling my real live baby when they happen but it still shocks me when we are talking about next steps and I have to catch myself and say that the hearing will likely be after I am gone... I know that this bit will get easier the closer we get to the due date, and I will probably be exhausted and beyond ready to be off work long before January 29th comes...but right now it's scary and sad and overwhelming and I feel like I don't have enough work hours to work on what I want to get done! 

It's also daunting to look at the calendar and not know when babe will come, I mean, will she come early and knock my preggo butt out of work before the end of January? January is a three paycheck month and I REALLY want that last cheque...but will I be able to earn it...the not knowing is a little stressful for me, I am a planner and love budgeting and really want to have all credit cards paid off before this babe comes AND have a set amount of money in the bank. For now I am focused on the money in the bank and figure if I need to carry some credit debt into mat leave that's not the end of the world, I can make the minimum payment easily. It would not be ideal but I need to be okay with this in case it happens. I figure all this unknown is preparing me for life with an infant, I won't have control over anything and the best laid plans will likely fail...so here I am getting okay with that! 

As I type little bean is bouncing around in my belly, super active, which is so cool and unusual for this time of day, must be the apple juice :) 

Am I the only one who goes through this? I can't be....

<3 Kass

What pregnancy does to me...so far

So lets move in a more positive direction from the last post. I do need to say that I am super lucky with this pregnancy so far, I am not sick, really at all since I started taking my prenatal at night. I sleep well, thyroid is now back to normal so weight gain is gradual, overall the only "crappy" symptom is that I am tired...but that's not even that bad because its only after work and it forces me to slow down. It would be nice if my gym had air conditioning so I could work out at lunch, but meh, I am not to upset about being too tired to work out after work either.

What pregnancy makes me want to do is read...a lot, like Mike is starting to tease me about it. Here is what I have read lately;

1. City of Bones, Cassandra Clare May 2nd
2. Women, Food and God, Geneen Roth May 17
3. You having a baby May 19
4. Belly Laughs, Jenny McCarthy, May 21
5. Revealed, P.C Cast, May 25
6. A thousand farewells, Nahlah Ayed, June 3
7. The fault in our stars, John Green, June 7
8. The girlfriends guide to pregnancy, Vicki Lovine, June 20
9. The book thief, Markus Zusak, June 29
10. The Zahir, Paulo Coelho, July 7
11. Someday Someday Maybe, Lauren Graham, July 24
12. The Art of racing in the rain, Garth Stein, July 28
13. Half Broke Horses, Jeanette Walls, Aug 1
14. The house I loved Tatiana de Rosnay, Aug 4
15. The maze runner, James Dashner, Aug 8
16. The scorch trials, James Dashner, Aug 9
17. The death cure, James Dashner, Aug 10

A little insane hey...Mikes essentially single because all I want to do is read, I think its because I realize that I soon will not have time...so I am powerhousing books like crazy. 

OH at the same time I am reading a book for work AND a crap load of pregnancy books...so feel sorry for Mike. 

What are you all reading? 

<3 Kass

The last secret post :)

Written July 8^th 2014, 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

So I suck at keeping this updated apparently, so let’s do a quick update.

I was put on thyroid medication and my thyroid levels have stabilized! However it had time to affect my weight gain and I have gained about double what they tell you to during your first trimester. I am trying to be okay with this and just try to eat really well and exercise a little too.

There are two hard things about gaining weight, first is me. I worked so hard the last two years and was down around 25 pounds, into my “little clothes” and I was super proud of my body…seeing the weight go back on is so hard, and especially when it went on so fast. I think women are brainwashed to fear the weight gain, so no matter how much we tell ourselves that the baby needs us to be a little squishy its still a mental challenge.

Second thing that’s hard…people who are thoughtless and hateful. I have gained 10 pounds in the last 2-3 months, I get it, I am short and it’s obvious. However some people are really mean in what they say to pregnant women. I will make you a list of things you should not say to a woman who is expecting…all of these gems have been said to me recently.

1.       You won’t be able to hide your pregnancy much longer. DON’T SAY THIS UNLESS SOMEONE TOLD YOU THEY WERE PREGNANT!!!! Actually don’t say it at all.

2.       Are you sure there is just one in there… I mean really?! Is this comment freaking necessary?

3.       Hopefully you don’t gain weight at the same rate for the rest of your pregnancy. Hopefully I don’t loose my ability to be politically correct tell where to go and how to get there…

Its hard enough dealing with my own mental crap about gaining weight without uninvited opinions from the peanut gallery…so do the world a favor, don’t say stupid mean things to women period…never comment on weight gain; and once you know they are pregnant and they are showing you need to say nice things like “you look lovely”, “how amazing that you are growing a human inside of you” instead of commenting on how large they are getting, cause eventually we as a society need to recognize how amazing women are DESPITE how small, big, curvy whatever they are, period.

And to make everything worth it, I found babe’s heart beat on the Doppler today…best sound ever!! Mike was so cute and re-listened to the recording a couple of times…AMAZING!

Update

Thanks to synthroid my thyroid is back where it needs to be, and the weight gain has stabilized…I haven’t lost any, but I am not trying to either. Its steady now and my doc isn’t concerned so I am dealing. It helps that the belly LOOKS like it has a baby in it, as opposed to looking fat..

Also, all the pregnancy people base what you should aim to gain during pregnancy based on your BMI, a tool that even my doctor says is outdated and a piece of crapola due to it not taking into account muscle mass (I have a lot of muscle naturally). If I do my BMI on my pre-wedding weight it considered me overweight…I give the BMI a middle finger to that comment (stupid jerk), as I don’t feel like I was overweight at all, a little cushy but mostly muscle. SO I think the pregnancy fairy’s need to update the recommended gain and BMI stuff to reflect real women, or simply say, “eat healthy and try not to gain 100 pounds” instead of making women feel like a giant failure if they have gained half of their recommended weight gain in the first trimester due to an underactive thyroid. Sigh.

I promise the next post will be less grumpy…maybe, who knows.

<3 Kass

Another secret blog post- Little bit of an overshare so beware.

Written June 4^th 2014, 6 weeks 2 days pregnant.

In my last post I mentioned some terrifying things during pregnancy, the worst so far is bleeding…I had a little bleeding on Monday and went to urgent care to make sure everything was okay. I am so glad I did; apparently my O negative blood type was not compatible with the baby and I needed a needle, I also possibly have a bladder infection (will find out tomorrow). The doctor sent me for a emergency ultrasound to make sure everything was okay (even though he said my cervix was closed and my womb felt like it should he wanted to make sure the baby was where it needed to be. Thankfully we were able to get in that night and Mike was able to come.

I have never needed to pee so bad, I didn't even drink the full liter! I would have wet myself if I did, however it was a good distraction for how nervous I felt, so that’s handy. I am happy to report that babe is great! With a heart rate of 103 bpm, it was measuring at 6 weeks J Such a relief, AND we got to see the heart beat and get pictures…which we used to tell my mom and dad, and brother and sister in law about the baby! So exciting J

*Update* I know the talk of bleeding during the first trimester may be an overshare, but if I hadn't had my girls to talk me through it I would have lost my mind...it was so scary. I noticed that some things made it worse (Walking the color me rad race, peppermint oil) and once I cut those out it stopped. I eventually needed to come to the following conclusion to reduce my stress level about the spotting and move forward. 

1. Miscarriages typically are due to something being wrong, a genetic abnormality, illness etc. Short of using drugs and alcohol and overusing coffee/getting in an accident/assaulted there was little I could do to bring on a miscarriage. That's not to say I couldn't do things that increased spotting (heavy exercise, peppermint oils etc). AND some spotting is normal, if its bright red, filling pads, has clots or "stuff" in it or if your nervous its best to go to the doctor but a little spotting for me was normal and nothing to get my panties in a twist about. 
2. If I was going to miscarry there isnt a thing I could do about it. That doesn't mean that I didn't put myself on a few hours of bed rest if I had scary spotting, but that was to force myself to relax, pray and give my spotting time to change color so I could breathe again. 

Thankfully this part of my pregnancy seems to be over, I haven't had a spot for weeks. Mental note for the next time I am preggo, I will brace myself for grossness and pray its just the normal and okay kind I experienced this time. 

I also promise my next post will be less gross and bodily fluid-ey. But, to all my girls who have this during their pregnancy, I feel you, its scary as H.E double hockey sticks. And to the husbands/partners etc whose preggo love is having this happen, I know its scary for you as well, Mike was super supportive during this time and even came to a doctors appointment with me so he could hear the doctors take on the spotting so he could use the same words to reassure me if it happened again...and he did. 

<3 Kass

Secret blog post number 2

Written May 22^nd 2014 (4 weeks one day pregnant).

Yesterday was 4 weeks apparently, try explaining that to your confused and tired husband when we have not even been married for 4 weeks. It went something like this:

 Me:    “honey we are 4 weeks pregnant today, lets watch the video”.

 Mike:    “We haven’t even been married for 4 weeks, that’s not right”
 Me:    “yes it is, they start counting from the first day of my last period, it says so in all my books”
 Mike:    “I don’t believe it, tell me what the doctor says”

As he rolls over, in fairness this conversation happened at 5 am I believe, so he was justified in being tired and grumpy.

So far pregnancy is pretty good, my boobs are killing me and I am hungry all the time, but not nauseous so that’s lucky.Eating is the hard part, or at least knowing what to eat. I want a tuna fish sandwich today. Here are the concerns about this meal. Tuna, I can’t have it often because of the mercury, so this will be a treat. I put Mayo in the tuna usually, however had to research if this was safe due to egg whites in the mayo. What I have determined is that store bought is stable and therefore safe, home made is a no no. So I will eat my sandwich today!

I am so excited to be able to post these secret blogs, waiting to tell people is killing me…I am curious to see how book club goes Friday, some of the girls have asked if we are pregnant and I ignored the questions (over facebook, sorry Crystal). I am trying to keep it a secret for Mike but I have already told him how weak I am about it and that the girls might smile and question it out of me Friday (in all fairness they are my girls, and I love them so much and they feel like family honestly, so I figure its fine as long as they keep hush hush). Update; they were so good, and didn't even try to question it out of me, however I am sure at least some of them know...

There is a chance Mike want to tell more people sooner, like my parents (if we see them, which we don’t a lot in the spring/summer, and his parents and brothers…we will see, not sure how it will all play out.

<3 Kass

Holy crap we are having a baby!

Written May 19^th 2014 (3 weeks and 5 days pregnant apparently)

I am still having a hard time believing it, I am pregnant. We literally started trying May 2^nd 2014, after book club, I may have been tipsy. I was shocked that Mike wanted to try so soon, I have always said I would respect his wishes for awhile if he wanted to wait, he then respected mine and we got to trying. Trying for a baby is F.U.N, like really fun, and so different, it has an amazing loving purpose. I was using my “Glow” app and it tells you when you are fertile, so we took full advantage of our fertility. 

Right away I noticed a few things, my hair is stupidly soft, like my cat Lucy’s fur, amazingly soft, and its not falling out as much. I also got nauseous cleaning the bathroom, which never happens AND dumping out wine (also something that never happens). I told my friend Kristi about these things and said I must want a baby so bad that I am subconsciously creating symptoms…I couldn't have them already! Kristi said hormones were hormones, and to tell her when I took a test. 

So I waited, and then started worrying that when I took a test and it was negative I would be so sad, and then I decided to start taking tests way before my period when I knew it would be negative to desensitize myself to the lack of a second line. So I did, Thursday it was negative, Friday morning I took another….brought it to Mike and asked if I was crazy, he saw the lines too so we decided to test again tomorrow, same thing Saturday, so Sunday we decided to use the drugstore test (our friends gave us bulk tests that they bought online that we had used before). I peed on the stick, and after three minutes it had an x on it, I brought it to Mike and he just smiled, I praised him for being so efficient and asked if he was surprised. Mike noted that he always had faith in his sperm (Men). Then we went back to sleep, cause this was at 5 am (Little Gizmo is an early riser, much to mommies dismay). I laid in bed in joyous shock, infertility has always been a fear of mine, like cold sweats kind of fear, so for it to happen so fast felt to me like God saying “relax daughter, I have this”. I was so grateful that I am type A by nature and tend to over plan everything. This mean that the second we had “trying sex” not a drop of alcohol entered my system, caffeine was limited, pain killers were not taken (I now take Tylenol for bad headaches that may turn into migraines), pre-natal’s and omegas were taken and I tried to eat healthy (and failed mostly, damn wedding candy bar leftovers).

I am trying not to be too crazy, but am honestly worried that if I jog I will bounce Gizmo right out, Kristi and my pregnancy books tell me I am wrong so I jogged. I have told a few friends, just so they can keep me on track and make sure I don’t loose my mind.

Mike really wants to wait to tell the majority of people, I agree, if something happens I don’t want to have to re-tell people. However I am a horrible liar, a friend asked today if I was pregnant and I got a huge grin and tried to look away, I am hopeless. Mike thinks I should just say that we are “trying to have a baby” which is true except one is already growing, but we may need to practice cause I still feel that’s a lie. I am hoping not many people ask, I don’t want to make Mike crazy.

Dear Gizmo, I am so in love with you already. I find myself touching my belly and praying for you many times a day! I pray that you stay with me, that you keep growing and developing and that I get to meet you in January/February next year. Your daddy is pretty smitten too, he’s planning to put extra insulation above your room and lay carpet in your room so you will be nice and warm! Love you little one.

<3 Mommy. 

I am so tired all the time :)

I like being creative, crafty, efficient. I always thought that I would have an adorable idea to announce my pregnancy... Has anyone told you that babies steal your brain? They do, and your energy and efficiency. I am not one to rest however, so I think the exhaustion is a good thing, it makes me relax and focus on growing a human, which is way more important than checking off the items on my list.

I am told that it will get better soon, energy wise at least, here is hoping. Otherwise this little bean will have a fully store bought nursery and crib set, maybe just a knitted blanket. This seems sad to me since I have delighted in creating baby items for everyone else's little one... Perhaps I will have more spunk and creativity when we know if we are having a boy or a girl. Here is hoping!

So we are expectant parents, in the second trimester and we had the ultrasound last week (how amazing is that?!) babe is due late January 2015 and we are beyond excited! Also shocked that it happened so fast, feeling pretty blessed these days for sure :)

I have been creating blog posts occasionally since we found out, so I will post those soon so y'all can hear my random ramblings about baby and pregnancy.

YAY!

<3 Kass and baby "Taco" as Mike lovingly refers to it...